Knowing how to set boundaries is a healthy way to promote positive relationships with those around you. But, what is a boundary? A boundary is a limit or rule we set for ourselves in relationships with ourselves and others. Personal boundaries are a clear way of expressing your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. If you enter a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, that is probably a sign you should set a boundary.
A common misconception is that setting boundaries with others is selfish. This could not be further from the truth. Setting a boundary is a form of self-love and essential to your happiness in relationships. We can disrespect other people’s boundaries (at some point we can all be guilty of it) without even realising. Therefore, to expect others to respect your boundaries, you should respect theirs.
1. Decide what your boundaries are and why you need them
An easy way to determine if a boundary needs to be set is if you feel uncomfortable with a certain action or situation. For example, if it makes you feel uncomfortable when a friend jokes about your weight, you should create a boundary around this.
Alongside creating boundaries it's important to understand why you need them. For example, not wanting your friends to joke about your weight is important because it negatively affects your self-esteem and body image. Additionally, try to dive deeper into why that affects your self-esteem. Why is your body image such a touchy subject? While you work on healing this aspect of yourself it may be important to discourage people from joking about it. Boundaries can change and evolve. If you have set a boundary it is not there forever, they take constant management and persistence.
2. Communicate boundary
Communicating a boundary often comes when one is broken (that that person may not have even known about). For example, a friend may not know you are uncomfortable joking about weight until they joke about it. It can also be communicated at other times even if no incident has happened. In both cases, setting a boundary is telling someone what you expect from a relationship with them (romantic and platonic). Try to not blame them for their actions, simply tell them what action you want.
3. Address violations early and be consistent
If you have distinctly communicated a boundary with someone and they continue to ignore that, pick it up immediately. Using the body image example, if a friend continues to joke about your weight even after discussion, continue to tell them it upsets you. If you do not pick up on violations of the boundary early, people may not take it seriously.
4. Do not apologise
When setting or reminding someone of a boundary it is essential not to apologise. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. If you apologise for someone needing to change their actions for your well-being, it demonstrates you are flexible with your boundaries (and you are not).
5. Be prepared for pushback and stick to your word
Whatever you do, please do not change your boundary when it gets hard. When the pushback gets too much, stick it out. If someone cannot stick to your boundary, it is an indicator you should not be spending time with this person. Obviously, this is unrealistic for everyone who crosses the line. However, you can always reduce how much time you spend with people who don’t follow your boundaries.
With practice, you will become the master of your boundaries. Creating positive relationships with others is a constant work in progress for everyone. Trust yourself and if you make mistakes that is okay.
Thank you, love Amy ♡
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