A few weeks ago I read a fantastic book by Florence Given called ‘Women don’t owe you pretty’. Already being interested in feminism and self-improvement I figured it would be about pay differences and unconscious beliefs between men and women etc. Much to my surprise, it revealed many truths that had never even crossed my mind. The Author had me questioning if even simple things I do were in fact unconsciously for the ‘male gaze’. What I mean by this is doing something, looking a certain way or behaving in ways which are catered to please men. Was I really putting that mascara on to impress myself? Or shaving my legs because it made “me” uncomfortable. Or even dulling myself down to make a man feel more “masculine” because I felt bad.
Obviously we all have autonomy, but do we really understand why we behave in certain ways? Society is designed to have women as secondary to men. Many people would say that discrimination based on gender doesn’t exist anymore, I disagree. If you are a man reading this, tell me… do you feel safe walking streets at night alone? Do you think twice about what you wear to work because it might give people “the wrong idea”? Do you feel awkward about having body hair or think you need to shave to be accepted by others? These are only some examples of the way sexism impacts women everyday. Still think it doesn’t exist?
The book also reminded me of the importance of focusing on yourself. After ending a relationship mid 2021, only then did I really understand what was meant by yourself being the true love of your life. Women are made to believe that our love life determines our self-worth. We are always searching for a relationship, talking about love and seeking male validation. The first question family and friends ask you is “do you have a special someone in your life?”. We can be made to feel inadequete if we are single, whether by choice or not. Being happy by yourself is never a long-term thing, it's temporarily acceptable until you find someone else to settle down with.
If you put as much effort into yourself and you did your love life, imagine what you could achieve! Consider what sparks joy in your life that isn’t related to love. If you can’t write at least 10 things that make you happy aside from a man, guess what? You’ve been living life to please men. Your self-worth is so much more than being validated by someone else. Anything that you believe you need from a relationship you can get from yourself. I hate to break it to you but filling that void inside you that feels as if “something is missing” with a relationship doesn’t work.
Love is a beautiful thing, there's no doubt about that. However, that does not mean you settle for anything lower than what you deserve. Since a womens perceived worth is based on being with someone, we are pressured to accept the first offer we receive. Along with many other women I’m sure, I felt as though no one else would ever love me if I left my unsatisfactory relationship. This is what society brainwashes us into thinking which makes me heartbroken. One of my favourite quotes from the movie ‘Perks of being a Wallflower’ is “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I understand this on a whole different level now. Have you ever wondered why a successful, beautiful and intelligent woman was with a man who treated her like actual shit? I know I have. It's our responsibility to unpack societal standards, childhood trauma and unconscious beliefs in order to fully understand what we want and deserve. If you need to lower your standards for someone, they aren’t the one for you. The one for you will never think what you ask for is “too much” or selfish. You are deserving of everything you could ever want in life or in love, so believe it. And when you do something, think twice about whether it's truly for yourself or to feel validated or accepted by men.
Thank you, love Amy ♡
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